Read our Introduction to #RoadToTubalAt30 Series First here.
I’m just going to get right to the point. The last 18 months have been a rocky up and down nightmare. We have had amazing moments, we have had celebrations, but we’ve had tormenting lows as well. I debated sharing this post for just as long. Ultimately, as a blogger though, my goal is to let other families, especially mothers, with this series, know they aren’t alone. While so often, we don’t talk about these feelings, it’s insanely common for them to be the reality of many moms.
I remember driving to my 6 week postpartum appointment. I told my practitioner how I’d been feeling, I answered the survey they give. She said it all sounded normal and to call back if anything changed. Looking back on this moment, I wish I would have spoken up. I walked to the car, buckled the girls into their seats, and just cried. I knew something was wrong, I knew that this was more than “baby blues”, but I didn’t speak up louder.
Nothing changed, but nothing got better.
For the next four and a half months I was on, what felt like, a roller coaster. I had these amazing moments with my kids and with Andrew, but when it wasn’t amazing, it was terrible. There was no in between. I yelled constantly. Everything annoyed me. I felt let a horrible mom. The foggy feelings would leave me so helpless I didn’t want to leave the house and the mood swings left me questioning my ability to raise my girls in a stable home, as well as hurt my relationship.
I was paranoid of everything which left me terrified to do anything.
I remember standing, making sure the garage door closed all the way because I was scared if I didn’t watch it go all the way down that someone would slide under the door before it closed. These were the types of thoughts I had. Every time, I would tell myself how crazy I was being, but I couldn’t shake it. These episodes would last weeks at a time and effect so much of my personal and professional life. Around 6 months postpartum, I couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t normal. I had to put my personal feelings aside and seek help.
I was diagnosed that day with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.
That still seems so weird to say. I wasn’t supposed to have this. I wasn’t supposed to be affected. Our life was (is) great. We have two healthy kids, a beautiful house we’re remodeling, a thriving business, etc. It just went to show me that this disease can affect anyone. I went on medication that day and within a week I was feeling like a better person. My mood swings, all but disappeared. Don’t get me wrong, I still got upset with my kids, I still yelled occassionally, but for once I felt like a normal mom instead of a monster. Many of my fears went away that day. My feelings were validated and my children weren’t taken from me. I firmly believe I didn’t speak up sooner because I was terrified someone was going to take my kids.
Unfortunately, for the next year, I would still go on to have these foggy episodes, which I later learned were severe anxiety attacks, rendering me almost helpless for weeks at a time. Shortly after learning this, a friend told me that she was experiencing similar feelings and her midwife told to stop taking her birth control. We were on the same birth control, so when I asked her some odd weeks later how she was feeling and she told me much better, I knew it was something I at least had to try. I had already decided by this point that we wouldn’t be having any more children because I couldn’t go through a similiar experience with now a newborn AND two other kids. I stopped by birth control, but still currently taking my medication for the PPD. It’s been a little over 2 months now and I haven’t had any anxiety attacks since then. Our lives have been even more normal now than ever before and I’ve been so grateful to feel a sense of normalcy returning.
I’ve questioned now if I wasn’t on the same birth control after having both of our girls, if our lives would have been different and I would have wanted to try one more time for another baby.
Over the next few weeks I’m going to be writing about our decision for me to undergo a tubal ligation at 30 on Mondays and Wednesdays (2 times a week). You can follow along with #RoadtoTubalat30
If you missed any of the previous posts, you can read the entire series:
- No More Babies – Series Introduction
- After the first baby
- Second pregnancy – What the hell was I thinking?
- All hell broke loose
- The last 18 months
- The Scare
- Worries, Doubts and Fears about a tubal ligation
- It happened – recovery and thoughts after the procedure
I hope you’ll follow along! Feel free to tweet us at @wereparents or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org if there’s any specific questions that you hope we answer over the next few posts.